The "True" Journey to Baby B..Part 1

Ok, so a bit of a warning..this post will be long and I may sound crazy in it, but it is a post I have been wanting to do for a while. This post is being used almost as therapeutic reasons and for a sense of closure to a chapter of my life that I am proud of but also ready to leave behind but not forget. I think it is important for it to be documented for me to always look back on and for me to always remember but also for Baby Brown to also know how much he/she was yearned for and how hard it was to get her/him. So this is it, the story of our real journey to Baby Brown!
Ok, so for this to make any sort of sense I have to start from the beginning...way back in December of 2008 (I know, you already are thinking, that was not that long ago..but let me tell you, I had some LONG months in there). Well I went off the pill in Dec. of 2008 because I was tired of being on it and just decided to go off. Really I think I had some sort of precognition that it was going to be a long journey to the ultimate reason for getting off the pill. Well seeing how we had just gotten married, neither of us were quite ready for a little one just yet, so we decided to just leave it up to the Lord and just go with the flow. I thought I would try natural family planning to be safe, but turns out I did not need anything! For 10 months I only got 3 periods which only lasted about 2 days. Now, deep down inside I knew this was not right and I knew that something was wrong with me. But, being my stubborn self, I refused to admit it and I just kept thinking "oh, it will all be ok and we are not ready just yet". Well after seeing the doctor in October and taking meds to jump start my cycle, I tried using natural herbs to try and keep my cycle on track and to make me ovulate. Well, turns out a bunch of pills would not do the trick (if I only knew then!). So fast forward many mornings of temperature taking (to see if I was ovulating) and countless pills and a few induced periods, the doctors finally agreed to have me tested for hormonal imbalances. Turns out they thought I had PCOS. Polycystic ovaries. And to top that, pre-diabetic! A disease with a big stigma. I was of course grief stricken and devastated. After wearing out the g-o-o-g-l-e keys on my keyboard and joining numbers of blogs and websites to "enhance" my knowledge of this disease, we finally came to the conclusion that it would be hard if not impossible to get pregnant, and Chris and I decided to take this matter a bit more serious...aka it was time for the path of fertility drugs. So for the next 7 months I spent every day charting my temperature, taking ovulation predictor kids, taking prescription ovulation medicine (clomid if you are with the fertility drug lingo!), getting an ultrasound once a month, giving myself a shot to release an egg each month and then having an oh so fun scheduled "play date", giving blood once or twice a month and then ending every month with the devastation of failure. It was after we tried IUI (artificial insemination) with Clomid that our regular OBGYN suggested we go see a fertility specialist.
Now, that same OB is the one delivering this baby, so of course we love him. But, our fertility specialist will always hold a dear place in our hearts. Not only did he disagree that I have PCOS but he said I was not diabetic! I just have higher levels of blood sugar than normal, but nothing to worry about. Turns out, the problem is in my brain, ha! He is the miracle worker (well behind God). We did the last 2 of the 7 months on clomid with him and then he brought up what Chris and I had been dreading to hear, injections. Now, these injections were the last step to get pregnant before moving to IVF and we were given 3 months on them until we had to "explore other avenues". Now, not only was this do or die time but by this time I was mentally exhausted, my body had been put through the ringer, and we had spent a very hefty penny going through all of this (no insurance covers NOTHING). So after taking a month off and regrouping we decided to give it a go. Balls to the wall..isn't that what they say?!
Now for those that do not know, injections are much more intense. Chris had to give me a shot everyday in my belly or leg for the first half of my cycle. I had to go to the dr. every 4 days for blood work and an ultrasound. After the eggs grew large enough Chris had to give me a shot and we had to have more "scheduled" play dates. We also chose to do artificial insemination again this month to up our chances. Which let me tell you, you feel a lot closer to your Dr. after having him impregnate you! Then a week after ovulation Chris had to give me 1 more shot and I had to get blood drawn. Oh and I can not forget about having to take progesterone suppositories twice a day to keep my hormones up. Which it is so fun laying with your legs up in the air 30 minutes two times a day to keep a pill inside of your system! But it turns out those things are life savers, literally! I took them my first 14 weeks of pregnancy and I attribute those to keeping me from miscarrying. Well..yes there is a happy ending..the first time on these injections worked like a charm! Part 2 will be the happy part of the story...the morning we found out, the first ultrasound, and basically the miracle of Baby Brown continued!
So yes, we went through a lot to get Baby B..21 months, close to 120 pills, about 15 ultrasounds, about 19 shots, 23 blood draws, and a whole lotta money to be exact. BUT I would not trade a second of this journey and I would do it all over again to get you Baby Brown. Looking back at it, it seems like nothing..but I do remember it was something. It was something that was a large part of our lives for what seemed like a long time. Physically my body went through weight gain, acne, and other changes and emotionally I went through a war it felt like. I often cried myself to sleep. Seeing babies and pregnant bellies was hard for me, which is also hard to admit. I would shout out to God in anger and frustration and just a pure plea. I felt broken and I felt ashamed. I also felt guilty that I could not do what I knew I was meant to do, reproduce. I felt as if I had let our families down and I felt that I had let my husband down. I would start out the month hopeful, excited for a new month and anxious..but then it would turn to anger, depression, frustration and pure sadness. It was a sadness that few could understand as well. Well except my good old fertility online buddies. I just had a misunderstanding of why and a fear of if it would ever happen. It truly was a roller coaster. The last month we tried, there was 1 night I laid on our floor sobbing and just angry and it was that night I had hit rock bottom and was ready to quit it all for a while. The Lord must have known it was rock bottom for me because 13 days later we got our positive, he gave us our miracle!
But, with all bad came the best. Chris and I became closer than we ever have been. He was there for me to lean on the entire came. He came to all the dr. appointments, held my hand as I cried and went through pain (physically and emotionally), held me, and comforted me and would just tell me it would be okay. We developed a special bond, because although he went through it in a different way..we survived it together and it made us stronger. He always knew the right things to say, and he knew when not to say anything either. It was like a secret between us that we only knew and that was special between us. He was sensitive to me, when many people were not. I also saw his pain which let me know how much he cared. I thought he was my best friend before this, but now I can say he really is. He would even make light of all the shots and pills, or try to get me to smile through the tough times. His strength for me and compassion for our situation was amazing. He was truly a blessing for me. I can never thank him enough. I feel more appreciative and excited than I ever would have felt. I feel now I want to help women going through the same thing. And I feel lucky and blessed to only to have dealt with it for 21 months and to end up with a happy ending. As so many times women do not, or it takes them even longer. I feel more blessed and thankful to the Lord than I ever have. Words can not express how thankful, blessed and honored I am to finally be a mom..and a mom to you Baby B! The Lord was just waiting for the perfect time to bless us with the perfect you!
Part 2 to come soon!